Finding Balance as a Working Parent
At the time that I found out I was pregnant, I was working full-time at a small law firm. So small, in fact, that they had never had a pregnant staff member before, or so I’d been told. Florida isn’t known to have very generous parental leave policies, but I was optimistic and thought they might write up something nice for us (another woman in the office had become pregnant around the same time as me). I would have been happy with even just 3 months of paid maternity leave, but 6 months would have been better. I knew 1 whole year of paid maternity leave was entirely impossible, so I didn’t dare wish for it.
In the early weeks of my second trimester, the new maternity leave policy was posted and I was gutted. I mean, absolutely destroyed. The policy stated that I would only be allowed six (6) weeks of unpaid maternity leave. The only silver lining for me was that I had signed up for short-term disability the year before, which allowed me to get a certain percentage of my pay over those 6 weeks. To be honest, it all felt like a major “f*ck you” to me and my unborn baby. Of course, I’d heard of other mothers only getting 6 weeks with their babies, but I figured that they just worked for really horrible, greedy companies. Well apparently, so did I.
I’d never had a child before at that point, but I knew that 6 weeks was nothing. I would barely be healed from childbirth by then. My baby would be a long way away from sleeping through the night by then. Those early days when bonding would be so very important would be taken from me. I quickly wanted to just quit and find another job (with a better parental leave policy), but who would hire a pregnant woman, just for me to have to take time off so soon after starting the job? Also, some jobs require that you work there for at least a year before being eligible for paid maternity leave. So, getting a new job was out.
I briefly considered starting a business for myself, but I had no business ideas at that point and it takes time and money to build a company that generates profits. In the meantime, bills have to be paid, so that wasn’t a realistic solution for me at that point in my life.
I had very lengthy (and emotionally charged) conversations with my partner about possibly quitting work until Bebe got older - maybe 1 or 2 years old - and then returning to the workforce. Those conversations were unproductive; his position was that if I quit my job, then he would have to work so much more to maintain the lifestyle that we had, therefore spending less time with his 2 children (he has an older daughter from his first marriage). I wouldn’t have minded downgrading our lifestyle for a period of time, but we also had a lot of financial obligations that we couldn’t realistically get out of anytime soon. Rent in Florida is at an all-time high, well into the $2,000s if you’re renting more than a 1-bedroom apartment. Not to mention our cars, the ever-growing cost of groceries, the cost of having 2 children, etc. So, my income was significant for keeping us comfortable and thriving, and quitting work was undoable.
The lack of options made me feel like I was being cornered. Surely, there must be some way for me to have a little more time with my baby. But no, there wasn’t. 6 weeks after Bebe was born, I was back at work, as scheduled.
At first, it honestly wasn’t too bad. I had spent the first 6 weeks with my baby around the clock, so getting a little break during the day was nice. But that “little break” got old real fast. It wasn’t long at all before I started missing my baby desperately throughout the day. I truly believe it is against our biology to be away from our babies when they’re newborns. All of my instincts were screaming for me to quit my job and dedicate all of my time to taking care of my baby. However, that wasn’t possible, so I did my best to get over it.
Then, around the time that Bebe was 3-4 months old, I came across a reel on Facebook that had me fighting for my life. The reel was a mom holding her baby in a rocking chair and the caption said that she typically only has two hours per day with her baby because she works. Only 1 hour in the morning before work, and only 1 hour after work because her baby’s bedtime was 7:00 p.m. Granted, I was getting more than two hours a day with Bebe, but not much more. I cried for the whole day after watching that reel. Thinking of all the time I was missing out on, all of the milestones she might be hitting while I was working a job I didn’t particularly care for.
All of this is to say that sometimes, we can’t change our circumstances very much and we have to make the best of things. That does not mean that our circumstances can never change - but it will take time. In the meantime, I reserve as much time as I possibly can for my daughter and try to make it as joyful as possible.
Here are some ways that I’ve modified my life to balance being a working mom while maximizing baby time:
Limit social outings. This does not mean that I never go out with friends or with my partner; it just means that these activities are somewhat limited. For me, this means not every weekend (or even every other weekend). I typically go out with my friends every couple of months (they have busy lives too, so they understand). I do not stay out overnight - our outings are typically 2-4 hours long and then we go home. And to be completely honest, my friends and I are a bunch of homebodies, so this isn’t very different than before I had a baby!
My partner and I occasionally get an overnight sitter (like my mom or sister) so that we can have some quality time to ourselves, but not very often. We’ve probably done this a handful of times, and our baby is now 14 months old. As she grows up, we will probably become more comfortable with more frequent sleepovers with family members.
Invite family and friends to come over, or bring Bebe with me when I visit someone. Since my loved ones know I have a baby, they’ve been really understanding about coming to visit me and the baby at home. Occasionally, I’ll pack up Bebe and bring her to someone’s house, as long as the environment is kid-friendly. This could also include going to a restaurant or going to the park.
Bringing Bebe while I run errands. Listen, I don’t do this every time I run errands because it’s honestly much quicker if I just go by myself. But, sometimes I do bring her because even though we’re not doing anything particularly fun, I like that we’re still spending time together and Bebe gets to go to some new places she’s never been to before. The first time I took her to Target was a ton of fun for us! Whenever we go somewhere new, she looks around, amazed at everything she’s seeing, and it’s so heart-warming.
Using all of my available PTO. There are some people out there who are super dedicated to their careers, to the point where they never take time off. That’s not me at all. I use every ounce of PTO that I have at my job and turn it into extra time with my family. For me, even though I do work, family time is supreme and I try to get as much of it as I can.
Not working overtime unless it’s mandatory. I work for a law firm that does litigation, so there have been times when I’ve had to go into the office over the weekend, but that’s not very often at all. Maybe only on 3 occasions over the past 6 months. Other than that, I arrive at work on time, do as much as I can during work hours, and then leave on time every day. I’ve also been blessed with a firm that closes up shop at 4 p.m. instead of 5, which is rare to find.
Because I can leave at 4, I’ve been getting at least 5 extra hours with my baby each week. Often more, because we typically leave even earlier on Fridays. This leads to my next point - do your best to find a job for yourself that doesn’t make you stay until 5 p.m. or later. Those jobs steal your family time. Although I recognize this might be easier said than done.
Limiting phone time. In this day and age, we do literally everything on our phones, so this isn’t always possible. Sometimes, I need to pay bills, which happens on my phone. Sometimes, I order UberEats on my phone. Sometimes, I need to take a call while Bebe is around. But, for the most part, I don’t try to be on my phone for anything unnecessary until after my baby has gone to sleep for the night. To the best of my ability, I give her my undivided attention so that I don’t squander my quality time with her. The reason I am writing this article right now is because it is nighttime and my baby is asleep.
Showing Bebe as much love and affection as I can while we’re together. It’s no secret that I’m very affectionate with my baby and will continue to be this way as she grows up I give her hugs and kisses every chance I get. She may not be able to understand everything I’m saying right now, but I tell her I love her many times every day, and I tell her how truly fantastic she is. I also apologize to her whenever I become visibly overwhelmed or frustrated. Maybe that seems silly because she doesn’t know what “sorry” means yet, but I want her to learn early on that negative emotional reactions are not the norm in our home. I try to be very cognizant of my reactions, my tone, and the volume of my voice when the baby is around.
Finally (and this is more of a “don’t”), try not to create more time for your family by sacrificing healthy activities, such as grocery shopping for healthy food and getting regular exercise. Up until recently, that’s exactly what I was doing until I realized I wasn’t really serving anybody. Ultimately, our babies need us to be healthy and thriving, or else we may risk health catastrophes that can take us away from them forever.
XOXO, Alexis