Decompressing When You’re Overstimulated

Whether you are a working parent or a stay-at-home parent, you are very f*cking busy—all the time. And if you’re a single working parent, forget about it - you probably don’t remember the last time you had a minute to yourself. Don’t get me wrong - there is no doubt that we all love our children more than all the stars in the sky, but it’s also true that a lot of us are running on 10% battery.

If you work outside of the home, this is how your day might go (and what my mornings often look like):

Wake up, get ready, get your kid ready, drop them off wherever they need to be, go to work, leave work, pick the kid up, go home, and start evening parenting activities. This will likely include making dinner, playing with your kids, bathing them, and putting them to bed. After they’re asleep, you’re probably going to tidy up the house - handle the dishes, clean up the toys, start laundry… the list goes on. Not to mention showering yourself, getting ready for bed, and then doing it all again the next day. There is a never-ending to-do list when you are running a household.

I have never been a SAHM, unfortunately, but I imagine it would go something like this:

Wake up, take care of the kid(s) (breakfast, changing diapers if they’re babies, changing their clothes, taking them to school if they’re old enough for school, etc.), handle the ever-growing pile of laundry, handle the mountain of dishes in the sink, figure out meals for the day, go to the grocery store, or something along these lines. There’s a good chance you may not have any adult interactions for most of the day. What makes it worse is that for some of you, your spouse/partner may take the position that since they are the breadwinners, then they shouldn’t have to help very much with the kids. If this is the case for you, you probably feel very isolated. I’m going to guess that parenthood has become your entire existence, and you have no room for your own identity.

No matter what your situation is, you need a break. Like, right now. But how do we navigate having time to ourselves? I struggle to have time to myself because I don’t have a lot of paid time off at my job, and because I feel guilty about working outside of the home instead of taking care of my daughter all day. For that reason, any spare time that I have is reserved for her. That leaves me feeling like I shouldn’t even go to the gym because I would be stealing time away from Bebe. The guilt is so real that I start feeling guilty even if I’m taking a little bit too long in the bathroom! That sounds crazy, but at least some parents will know what I mean. Simultaneously, we want a break and to feel like ourselves again, but we also want to be the best parent in the world. It could be the case that our parents didn’t spend that much time with us or didn’t show very much interest in us, so we want to give our kids a better childhood than we had. And of course, giving our children the best childhood possible means showing up for them as much as we can.

I’m here to say that we all need to continue showing up for our children. We have to do our best to be excellent parents. But we are never going to be perfect parents. A perfect parent would be able to balance everything effortlessly, wouldn’t get tired, wouldn’t feel overstimulated and overcommitted, and would keep running no matter what. Because we are not perfect parents (but are, in fact, mere mortals), we need to be able to recharge our batteries once in a while.

The support system that we have is going to dictate what we can do for ourselves, unfortunately. A parent who has two sets of able-bodied grandparents, a cooperative partner/spouse, and trustworthy friends and family members is going to be in a much better position to take a break than someone who has none of these things.

So, I have put a lot of thought into this and I think there’s a way to have a little quality time for yourself no matter what your situation is or how much time you have. I’m going to outline a few ideas of what you can do to have a little “me” time whether you can take a whole weekend for yourself, or if you literally only have 20 minutes. 20 minutes is not going to be enough but it’s better than giving yourself 0 minutes.

If you have a whole weekend, this is what I would do:

Drop the kids off with their designated caretaker. Make sure to double-check that they have everything they could need and make sure you stay in 0pen communication with whoever is taking care of them.

Then, book a hotel for 2 nights. Doesn’t matter if you stay in town or leave town - that’s up to you. You’re going to use 1 night for rest and 1 night for fun. If you are planning to drink alcohol, use the first night to drink your face off because you don’t want to return to your babies hungover with a headache after drinking on the second night.

Here are some ideas for your “fun” night:

• Painting “with a twist” - basically, you sip on wine while painting pictures. It’s hella fun; highly recommend it.

• Go see a movie.

• Have a nice, expensive dinner.

• Hit the bars.

• Hit the club(s).

• Have a game night if you’re with your partner/spouse or any other adult company - I’m thinking Cards Against Humanity, Uno, Clue, etc.

• If you live in Florida like I do, consider taking a day trip to Disney Springs or Universal’s City Walk.

There’s no limit as to what you can do on your “fun” night (unless it’s illegal), but make sure that it’s something you genuinely enjoy.

For your “rest” night, here are some ideas:

• Movie night in the hotel room.

• Relaxing bath.

• Super comfy pajamas and slippers.

• Face mask.

• Relaxing by the hotel pool.

• Ordering pizza (or anything you want) to eat in bed.

• Meditating in bed. Or just sit/lie in the bed in absolute silence. It is so refreshing sometimes.

• Listen to loud music that you love.

• Go to bed early enough to get at least 10 hours of sleep. Check-out is typically around 10 or 11 am so aim for midnight to shut your eyes and go to sleep.

• The next morning, have a big, rich breakfast. I’m talking French toast, pancakes, bacon, biscuits and gravy, a latte, etc.

I’m going to bet that once you return to your children, you’re going to have missed them a whole lot and you’ll have a lot more energy for them than you would normally have. Don’t feel guilty for a minute that you left them for two nights because your children deserve the very best side of you - the side that is rested, energized, and de-stressed.

If you have 1 night to yourself, this is what I would do:

You only have one night, so you have to make the most of it. I would recommend using this as a “rest” night. I would forget the partying, drinking, or even socializing very much. After dropping the baby off with her designated caretaker, whether I’ve booked a hotel room or I’m just staying home, I would take a very hot shower, put on the comfiest clothes that I have, and order the most delicious food that I can find on UberEats. I would cozy up in my bed and find a fabulous series to binge for the night, being as unproductive as possible. Then, I would go to sleep in absolute silence, allowing myself at least 10 hours of sleep to recharge before picking up Bebe the next day.

Some more ideas for your 1 evening of rest:

• Book a massage.

• Read a good book.

• Movie night.

• Play video games.

• Complete a puzzle.

• Sip on some wine (don’t go too crazy!)

• Listen to a true crime podcast (my favorite is The Prosecutors Podcast; highly recommend).

• Play a murder mystery game.

• Literally just sleep the entire time.

If you have 0-4 hours to yourself, this is what I would do:

So, maybe your co-parent has taken the kids out for ice cream, or Grandma decided to take them out shopping, etc. Whatever the reason, I want you to resist doing household chores during this window of time that you have to yourself. I know it’s hard; whenever I have a spare moment, I’m almost itching to get the house into pristine condition. But remember, the goal here is to recharge. If it were me, I would nap the whole entire time. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go take a NAP. Even if you only have 20 minutes to spare, that could be enough time to give your brain a little boost.

If your mind is busy and you can’t fall asleep on command, that’s okay. Just lie down, shut your eyes, and enjoy the silence. Think about how beautiful your life is and how blessed you are to be alive right now. Do your best not to think of all the tasks that have piled up. If you’re never able to doze off, resting your eyes is better than nothing.

XOXO, Alexis