Why Do Kids Behave Worse For Their Moms?

Before having a baby, I’d heard plenty of stories about how babies and children prefer their fathers over their mothers and generally treat other adults in their lives quite well, compared to how they treat their mothers. My own mother was always surprised when my teachers described me as a “pleasure to have in class” back when I was in school, considering how much of a menace I was at home.

When I was a person without any children, I would have told you the reason why children treat their mothers worse than anyone else is because moms are irritating and high strung (a bit harsh, I know, but that’s how I felt). Moms are the usually the ones who pour cold water on the fun to make sure all of the not-fun stuff is done - like bathing, brushing your teeth, and eating vegetables. A second reason why is because our moms tolerate our bullsh*t better than anyone else. We may not feel certain of everyone’s love for us, but we know our mothers love us more than anything and will never turn their backs on us.

While fathers often love their children just as much, I’ve noticed they don’t always necessarily put up with the same kinds of behavior. That, and the fact that fathers are usually physically bigger, with deeper (and thus more intimidating) voices, may contribute to why kids usually take their dads more seriously.

Now, as a mother myself, I’m finding myself in a similar situation. My daughter is mostly well-behaved at daycare and she’s usually cooperative when she’s alone with her dad. But when she’s with both of us together, she goes absolutely nuts (usually). If I’m there, she typically wants to say “no” to everything, doesn’t want to eat, doesn’t want to try to use the potty, and often doesn’t even want me to hold her, in favor of her father. It’s not uncommon for her to have tantrums when I’m around. It could be because I want to brush her teeth or because she asked for a snack… and I had the audacity to give it to her. What I’m saying is, it doesn’t take very much for me to bring out the worst in her.

As a mother, that’s hard to deal with but not for the reason most people would think. I don’t mind dealing with tantrums (since they are very normal for her age group), I don’t mind the whining or the crying, and I fully expected parenting to not be a breeze most of the time. The reason this is hard to deal with is because it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong. When my daughter reaches for her dad or someone else and seems to not want me around, it’s hard not to wonder why she dislikes me so much in the moment. It’s not like I’m the only parent who enforces rules. My husband is very hands-on and doesn’t hesitate to make our daughter do things she doesn’t want to do, like pick up her toys, get ready to take a bath, and put on her shoes. Nonetheless, she gives him less of a hard time.

To be clear, I mostly don’t let this get to me. I have been told numerous times that it’s normal for moms to get the short end of the stick and that it is a phase that will pass. I also know that she’s a toddler and toddlers aren’t exactly well-known for sparing feelings. However, there have been a couple of instances where I let my emotions get the best of me.

One time, my husband, daughter, and I were visiting a friend in the hospital. My husband had picked up our daughter from daycare and had taken her to the hospital with him. When I drove straight from work to meet them there, I was met with harsh rejection from our toddler. The minute she saw me, she screamed, “No!” and ran away. And it didn’t get any better from there. Every time I tried to pick her up or change her diaper, I was met with loud resistance that was not only hurtful, but embarrassing. It’s hard enough to deal with rejection from your child, but it’s even worse when there are people around, watching. By the end of that visit, I was in shambles. I was boo-hoo crying harder than I had in a long time. I kept asking what I was doing wrong and that I didn’t understand why this was happening. My husband, who felt bad but didn’t really understand, tried to comfort me by saying I’m not doing anything wrong and that toddlers will be toddlers. But in that moment, I felt miserable and helpless.

Another instance happened more recently. Just last weekend, my toddler was sick with multiple viruses and was giving me an even harder time than usual. She’s normally very clingy when she’s sick, but not this time. She didn’t want me to do anything for her at all and only wanted her dad and sister. I couldn’t change her clothes, brush her hair, brush her teeth, or offer her food without her complaining about it. Eventually, when she walked away to see her sister in her bedroom, I broke down crying. It’s not easy being the only one in the family who is singled out, even if it’s by a toddler.

I’ve spoken with a few moms about this, including my own, and the consensus is clear: kids almost always seem to treat their moms worse than anyone else. It’s not just me, thankfully, but that hasn’t made me feel much better about it.

Paradoxically, my toddler is very pro-mom for a few things. At night, she only wants to snuggle up to me and seems to want nothing to do with her dad. I relish these moments because they are so far and few between during the day. Although my husband is more than willing, I handle bedtime pretty much exclusively because that’s how our daughter wants it and because she is so sweet during bedtime. Additionally, if I go somewhere with my daughter and without my husband, she usually behaves decently. But not always.

So, why do kids treat their moms worse than other people? One reason is one I’ve mentioned already - kids know early on that their moms will put up with their non-sense, no matter what. I think they intuitively know that a mother’s love runs as deep as can be, so they feel free to act how they really want to act, without inhibitions. More broadly, I think all of us (children and adults alike) treat our close loved ones worse than people we don’t know that well. Maybe it shouldn’t be that way, but it’s nice to have people we don’t have to “behave” around.

Another possible explanation is that kids only have a certain capacity for being calm and staying still, as one would expect. If they’re at school all day and have to act a certain way, it makes sense that they would feel mentally exhausted by the time they get home to mom. This is something I think more adults need to be understanding of. Children are not “little adults,” they are children. So, it shouldn’t be surprising that they would act out with the person who will easily accept less than ideal behavior (moms).

Finally, I think the reality is that a lot of us moms are irritating and high-strung, even though it is necessary. Most of the time, we are the ones who keep everyone in line. No one, not even most dads, are going to care about all of the little tasks that go into taking care of a family. Things like putting on sunscreen, clipping nails, changing bedsheets, and turning off the TV once in a while are all things that moms primarily care about. It’s easy to imagine that kids might feel more at ease and less structured when their moms aren’t around. I know that was the case for me when I was a kid.

XOXO, Alexis.