Is Parenting Hard, or Are We Making it Hard?

I can imagine that the title of this week’s article may make some parents defensive, especially moms. It even makes me a bit uncomfortable to ask whether WE, as parents (but mostly moms), are making parenting more difficult than it has to be. Every day, I scroll through social media and watch parenting videos (other than Taylor Swift content, my algorithm only gives me parenting content). There are tons of moms out there who humble-brag about how all of their kids’ clothes were made at home, how all of their kids’ meals were made from scratch, how well their garden is doing, and how they would never in a million years allow their children to watch evil, horrible TV. All while writing in the caption that they are not judging anyone. All while claiming they also work full-time and somehow have a thriving marriage. I can’t tell you how often I’ve silently stressed about my baby watching Bluey because of that type of content. I’ve been led to believe that allowing my daughter to enjoy any amount of screen time will ruin her executive function for life. If you’re one of the parents who makes these types of videos, assuming you’re not lying or exaggerating for views, I applaud you. It must take an incredible amount of energy to be that productive.

Another type of reel I often come across features stay-at-home moms explaining that daycare is the devil and that they would never let their kids “be raised by anyone else.” They set up their tripods and show themselves playing with their kids down at the creek barefoot, mentioning in the caption that “we will never get back our kids’ childhoods,” so we need to spend as much time with them as possible. On that last bit, I agree. But is it fair to say that working parents are necessarily not raising their children? My mom was a single, working parent, and being at school during the day or with a babysitter never made me feel like they were raising me. Considering all of the issues I’ve had with my mother over the years, the fact she was a single mom was never one of them. On the contrary, I think it’s fabulous for little kids to see their mothers working and generally having a life outside of motherhood. Little boys will learn that a woman’s role doesn’t only exist in the home, and little girls will see that women don’t have to rely on men for money and status.

However, being made to feel like you’re doing everything wrong doesn’t only come from the internet. All I need to do is go to a restaurant with my toddler and feel the other patrons staring daggers at me because my toddler can’t stop talking loudly. Granted, I don’t normally pay attention to those people, but I know they’re there and I know what they’re thinking… “that mom needs to get her kid under control!” On a similar note, if I were to give my toddler an iPad so that she doesn’t disturb anyone, I would be judged for that, as well (not my partner though… he gets applauded for bringing his daughters anywhere with him). If you’re the kind of person who judges parents in restaurants, just know that I’m aware of your glares and no, I’m not going to leave just because my child is being loud.

Another culprit is my mother-in-law, unbeknownst to her. I know MILs generally have a bad reputation and rocky relationships with their daughters-in-law, but my MIL isn’t usually too bad. She says that I’m like a daughter to her, which is nice. However, she is opinionated, always has something to say, and she’s old school. Being old school isn’t always a bad thing, but it’s a tad annoying to feel judged for going to work, and for not making baby food from scratch. Side note to the subset of parents who believe everything needs to be made from scratch - I’m sorry, but giving my infant jarred baby food is not going to ruin her life. My toddler is in excellent health and has met or exceeded all milestones despite sometimes eating jarred, packaged, or premade food. My MIL was always a stay-at-home parent and financially depended on her husband for everything - and still does. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that, but it does make me think that maybe she wouldn’t have had time to make all of her babies’ food if she’d had to work outside of the home.

The final culprit, possibly the biggest one of all, is myself. Despite the unyielding judgment parents receive from others, how we feel about our parenting abilities is our responsibility. We don’t need validation from anyone or pats on the back. It is up to us to take or leave opinions and unsolicited advice from others. It is also our responsibility to make sure we get to rest, stay hydrated, rest our feet, and don’t get too burned out. I know that’s easier said than done, but I also know for a fact that I overexert myself. 99% of my days are spent either working, parenting, or cleaning. To add to my point, I put a load of laundry into the washer right before sitting down to write this article. As mothers, we feel like productivity is holy. We measure the value of our days by how much we were able to get done, often while we’re taking care of our babies. Then we feel guilty about not being present with our babies. But when we’re giving our babies our undivided attention, we feel guilty for not getting anything done. When and how does the mom guilt stop?

My point in saying all of this is that I think a world exists where moms don’t have to fill up every minute of their days with tasks. I think it will be okay if the dishes stay in the sink for a couple of hours. I think it will be okay if (god forbid) you ask your spouse to handle an important task, instead of feeling like they’re going to hate you for asking. I think it will be okay if you just sit down on the couch, put on The Eras Tour while your kids are playing nearby, and put your feet up. Bonus points if you do all of that while eating McDonald’s nuggies and drinking an ice-cold Diet Coke.

Now excuse me while I panic clean the whole house and then complain about how tired I am. :)

XOXO, Alexis.