How to Deal With Unsolicited Advice
Like most women out there, I am no stranger to unsolicited advice. No matter what we do or say, others must insert their opinions. Sadly, most of the opinion-havers are women, too. All of this is especially true when you have children. There is something about having children and parenting that makes people feel like they have to put in their two cents. I am also guilty of this. Before I had children, I had very narrow ideas of how children should be cared for and raised without the slightest practical knowledge, such as how to change a diaper. Back then, I spent so much time pondering what I would teach my hypothetical child that I failed to realize the first year or two of having a child is more about survival. Knowing how much it hurts to hear others’ criticisms of my parenting, I try to never judge anymore.
I felt the heat of unsolicited advice from the time I was pregnant. When people in my life found out I was pregnant, I was almost immediately bombarded with comments on what I should or shouldn’t be doing. My mother told me I shouldn’t be lifting anything, my coworker told me I shouldn’t be drinking Red Bull (only 80 mg of caffeine - well below the recommended daily limit), and my neighbor gave me tips on how to breastfeed more effectively even though I barely knew her (super weird and uncomfortable). After Bebe came, my mother constantly worried that she was cold for some reason. If Bebe wasn’t wearing a blanket or a jacket and my mother happened to be around, she would immediately try to cover her up. But as my baby’s mother, I knew she used to sweat easily (and still does now) and I didn’t want her to overheat. Plus we live in Florida! Why would anyone, even a baby, need to wear a sweater and socks all the time in Florida? It’s mind-boggling and infuriating. Occasionally, I would also hear comments about how my baby wasn’t wearing shoes… because she wasn’t walking yet. This may be an unpopular opinion, but there is no reason to wear shoes if you can’t walk yet.
All of this is to say no matter what you do, someone will think you’re doing something wrong. That’s why you must use your best judgment and do what you believe is right - even if some others don’t agree. Especially when it comes to how you’re taking care of your babies.
So, how can we deal with unsolicited advice, diplomatically and assertively? Here’s what I’ve come up with:
Option 1: The Nod-and-Smile Method
This method is self-explanatory: When someone gives you advice you didn’t ask for (and don’t agree with), simply nod and smile. I use this option the most often because it allows me to avoid confrontations and arguments. It’s very useful with elder adults and co-workers. It’s not that I’m not willing to stand up for myself when necessary, it just isn’t reasonable to argue all the time. I don’t have the energy for it and chances are, you don’t either. Being able to pick your battles is a tough but necessary skill.
Additionally, something I learned as I got older is that my life is my life. No one can make me do anything. So people can tell me what they think all they want and that doesn’t give them control over me. That realization made unwanted opinions feel much smaller and lighter.
Option 2: Consider what the other person is saying
I’m an exceptionally stubborn person so I don’t often take people’s advice that isn’t my own, truthfully. But I think it’s worth noting that when people try to give us advice (no matter how annoying it is), it’s usually delivered with good intentions. The other person isn’t trying to be annoying; they’re just trying to show that they care. As the recipient, it’s hard not to take unwanted advice as belittling (as if we don’t know any better), but that’s usually not the intention of the advice-giver. Once in a while, we are going to get something wrong, and considering what another person is telling us may prove helpful.
Option 3: Stand firm
Occasionally, someone we know is going to say something that is completely out of line. When someone explicitly tells you how to parent, it’s important and necessary to stand up for yourself and your baby. For example, let’s say you’re at a party with your child and your child doesn’t like any of the food at the party. You don’t believe in forcing a child to eat food, so you don’t make them eat. Another person (almost always an older adult) may say something like, “You’re being too soft; back in my day we had to eat everything that was given to us” insinuating that you should have forced your child to eat a food they don’t like. If this type of comment is directed at you, then it’s a good idea to politely decline their advice. Say something like, “I appreciate your input but I don’t force my children to eat food they don’t like.” You can walk away after you say your piece. You don’t need to elaborate, and you don’t have to explain yourself any further.
I’ll give you another example in the form of a true story. About two years ago, I took my stepdaughter (then 14 years old) with me to see Batman with my mother, sister, and nieces. It was a great movie and we had fun. Afterward, my mother (the product of diet culture) commented that my stepdaughter had lost weight and that she looked good now. My stepdaughter just brushed it off but this comment bothered me. Why would an adult not only comment on a child’s body but also imply that being thinner equates to looking better? Whether that is true or not, I found it to be completely inappropriate and I told her so. Long story short, we got in a big fight, didn’t talk for about 3 weeks, and my husband (my stepdaughter’s father) didn’t talk to her for months. My mother never backed down, either. She thought we were overreacting and felt like she deserved an apology. As if she had any right to make decisions about what should be said to my stepdaughter.
Were we overreacting? Perhaps; I don’t know. The point is, when you set a boundary for yourself or your children, people need to accept it even if they don’t like it.
However, it’s not fun to fight with people who can’t accept the boundaries that you try to set. Sometimes, squabbling is unavoidable but there are nicer responses you can give to people who are trying to tell you what to do. Here are some diplomatic phrases to use when you’re dealing with an advice-giver:
“Thank you for your advice” (sufficient to use on most people)
“I will consider what you’re saying, thank you”
“I appreciate the thought but I’m not looking for advice right now”
“I know you’re giving me advice because you care, but I prefer not to receive parenting advice”
“When you give me unsolicited advice, it makes me feel like you’re questioning my competence” (a good one for parents)
“That’s actually a great idea, thank you” (whether you’re going to take their advice or not)
“What you’re saying makes sense but I’ve already made a decision”
“I love that idea but I don’t think it would work for me”
No response at all - just walk away
“F*ck you.” :)
At the end of the day, your life belongs to you. No one can force you to do what they want you to do, even if you not doing what they want upsets them very much. Constantly hearing opinions about what you should or should not be doing is extremely annoying but with the right mindset, you can reduce it to mere background noise.
XOXO, Alexis.