What Does It Mean to Be a “Good” Parent, Anyway?

If you’re a parent, or if you’re going to be one soon, then the question of how you can be a good parent has probably plagued you at some point. When I was pregnant, I constantly wondered what kind of parent I would be, what I would teach my daughter, what kind of woman she would grow up to be, and whether we would have a good relationship as she grew older.

Growing up, I had a rocky relationship with both of my parents (and still do, even now as an adult). My parents separated before I could remember (around age 2) and were fully divorced by the time I was 6-7 years old. I don’t know what life was like before they separated, or what life would have been like if they had stayed together. Both of my parents were such difficult and demanding individuals that I am grateful that I didn’t have to deal with both of them under the same roof.

I lived primarily with my mother, as one would expect. I saw my father every other Sunday; he had a minimal role in my life, but we spoke somewhat regularly. My mother was hard to please, to say the least. My early childhood is a blur now, but I remember her being frustrated and upset so much of the time. Especially when she was overwhelmed - if she got to that point, then everything was our fault (my sister and I). She also let herself get worked up over silly things, like mismatched clothes, unbrushed hair, a slightly messy room, etc. At the time, it felt like my mother expected perfection.

One time when I was 11 years old, I got a pine-scented candle for my mom (for her birthday, I think, or maybe it was Christmas) and she showed me very clearly that she did not like my gift. She said that it was “thoughtless” and felt like I didn’t put much effort into picking out a gift for her. That was 20 years ago and I still think about it all the time. And I’ll bet that if I brought it up to her, she would either (a) tell me she doesn’t remember that happening, (b) say that it didn’t happen, or (c) get defensive and say that it was my fault that she said that somehow.

The grass was NOT greener on the other side, though. From a young age, I knew things would be way worse with my dad. It was obvious from the beginning that he was even more controlling, meaner, and more demanding than my mom was. Although he never hurt me, he scared me a little. As a kid, I didn’t feel like I could fully be myself around him. At least with my mom, I knew what I could get away with.

All of that being said, I knew that if I ever became a parent, I would want to be very different from both of my parents. Don’t get me wrong, they’re not bad people. And I was not a perfect kid. But I mostly felt like I was walking on eggshells with both of them. How each day was going to go was pretty much dependent upon my mother’s moods (which could be very good or very bad). My father’s moods were more stable but that just meant he was consistently an a**hole.

I could go into depth about how fat-shamed I felt as a child (since I was quite chubby) and the measures my parents took to restrict my eating, but I think that will need to be made into a future article.

My memories of childhood have truly shaped what my idea of a “good” parent is. They say that everyone either ends up being the same as their parents, or the exact opposite, and I like to think I am the latter. As a mother, I am committed to avoiding yelling, screaming, bullying, manipulation, and other scary parenting tactics that Boomers have used to control their children. My mother thinks that children should be grateful to their parents for giving them life. However, I see things a bit differently. My daughter didn’t ask to be born - we created her. We owe her our best days, our best moods, and much much better than our parents gave to us.

Equally important is the fact that my partner (soon-to-be husband!) couldn’t be more different from my parents. As a father, he is responsible, playful, silly, and has no interest in totalitarian-style parenting. Both of his daughters (my stepdaughter as well as the daughter we have together) adore him. As a partner, he is caring, mild-mannered, cooperative, and easy to get along with. Sure, we squabble occasionally like any other couple, but I couldn’t be more grateful to have him.

Every day, we make time to play with our daughter. I like to take her on walks with me. We love to make her laugh. When I get frustrated, my facial expression and tone of voice soften when she comes near me. On the rare occasions when I’ve been aggravated with her, I apologize sincerely. She doesn’t deserve that. My greatest hope is that when she grows up, she won’t want to hide things from me, but will think “I need to tell Mom, she’ll know what to do.” I plan to create an environment where she can have a reasonable amount of autonomy, even from a young age. As long as she’s safe and healthy, I see no issue with that. The difference from my parents is that I think they wanted control for the sake of having control - whether my health and safety were affected or not.

Having a child has forced me to visit and console my inner child at times. It’s hard to become a parent and not compare your childhood to your children’s childhood. As a child, I felt so powerless and couldn’t wait for my childhood to be over. A lot of people say that they would love to be a child again because they didn’t have to worry about responsibilities, bills, children, jobs, etc. I disagree. Even though being an adult is hard, I would never go back to being a child. I plan to parent my child in a way that allows her to enjoy her childhood, and be able to look back at it with fond memories.

So, what does it mean to be a “good” parent, anyway? I believe a good parent is kind to their children. They are understanding. They are accepting of their children, no matter what. Even if those children do things or believe things that are very different from how they were raised. They cry happy tears when their child gives them a gift, no matter how trivial the gift seems to be. A good parent is the perfect shoulder to cry on. A good parent is a lighthouse of sorts - guiding their children to safety. They help to build their children’s self-esteem, not shatter it. They teach their children to be kind in turn, but never a doormat. A good parent is stable, reliable, and wouldn’t dream of intentionally guilt-tripping their children. A good parent is emotionally mature.

A good parent is a source of happiness and peace, not misery.

XOXO, Alexis.