Mom Guilt: The Specter that Follows Us Around

What is mom guilt? In my own lived experience, mom guilt is the nagging (not to mention illogical) feeling that if you’re not doing something for your child, then you shouldn’t be doing it at all. That is an absurd thought, but the mom brain doesn’t always set out to make sense. It’s the gravitational pull your children have on you when you’re away from them. It’s an invisible string that keeps tugging at you, telling you to come home immediately. Sinisterly, mom guilt makes many mothers feel as though they should forego important life experiences, such as pursuing their careers, working on fitness and health, pursuing or maintaining hobbies, or even pursuing love. Mom guilt is the sleep paralysis shadow man that lurks in the corner of your bedroom, threatening to swallow you whole.

Why do we feel mom guilt? I believe the concept of mom guilt is the wrapped up in the idea that women need to be everything for everyone. Decades ago, it was the norm to just be a mother and wife, tending to your husband, children, cooking everyday, and keeping the house clean. Now, it’s the norm to tend to your husband, children, cook, keep the house clean, and work a full-time job. If a woman were to let any of these areas fall behind, she would blame herself, asking herself why she can’t keep up and why she’s so tired (something I ask myself all the time).

Of course, I’m not insinuating that men never take care of their children, cook, and clean. In fact, my own husband is very proactive when it comes to domesticity. I don’t have to ask him to change a diaper, or put dishes in the dishwasher. He just knows these things have to be done. But I have been told that I am one of the lucky ones. The term “married single mother” is one I keep hearing over and over again. In this type of dynamic, the husband or partner only feels responsible for going to work, while the wife also works and takes care of home life. In this dynamic, a wife will feel “blessed” that she has a husband who’s willing to “babysit” his own kids while she takes a shower. Or, she’ll thank him for providing for their family financially even though she also provides.

I think the main difference here is that women are expected to take care of everything, and if they fall behind, it’s frowned upon or even criticized. With men, they’re not expected to take care of everything but if they somehow do, they’re heroes. And if they can’t, then they shouldn’t beat themselves up about it.

My husband, who is such a gem, somehow happens to have some toxic friends. A few of them, unfortunately, have some misogynistic ideas about what women should be doing, how they should act, and what they should say. One of his friends once told me that if someone’s house is a mess, then whoever is the woman of that household is at fault. Of course, I asked why. He said because, generally, women are clean and men really don’t care. So, with “normal” women being relatively clean, he thinks that a woman who could withstand a dirty home is disgusting. A man who could live in such a home is just… a man. Nothing bad or unusual about him.

I see the same narrative play out all the time when it comes to parenting. In a divorced household, it’s expected that women will have custody of their children. When a man only has his children every other weekend, everyone shrugs their shoulders, even me. This is such a normal thing in our world, we barely think anything of it. But when a woman doesn’t have custody and only see her kids every other weekend, eye brows go up and people start asking questions.

In a married household, as long as the husband is working, they’re generally not subject to criticism. But if the wife works, she’s criticized by some for not taking care of her children and for “letting other people raise her babies” (a phrase I genuinely loathe, can you tell?). But if a wife stays at home with the kids, then she’s “lazy” and “doesn’t provide financially for her family.” Either way, we are criticized. It’s no surprise at all that mom guilt creeps into our hearts all the time. Societal norms demand it.

A couple of years ago, my husband and I separated for a while (about a year). Our baby was small at the time and we decided that we would divide our time 50/50. One week, I would have her for 4 nights and he would have her 3 nights. Then the following week, he would keep her 4 nights and I would keep her 3 nights. In reality, we ended up spending a lot of nights together with our baby anyway so we didn’t end up missing much time with her overall. However, our verbal arrangement ruffled some feathers - namely our parents’. My father, mother, and mother-in-law all believed that I should have the baby all the time. As many times as I explained that fathers are equally important in a child’s life as mothers and that it would be very difficult for me to take care of a baby alone for 14 days at a time, it always fell on deaf ears. I got the sense that they thought less of me because I was willing to give away any amount of time with my baby so that she could also be raised by her father. Yet, no one thought less of him for agreeing to a 50/50 split.

What can we do about it? Unfortunately, there is no groundbreaking answer that would alleviate all mom guilt. Since the main problem driving mom guilt are social norms, the only thing we can do is acknowledge that social norms are not inherently good. In fact, social norms have led to some of the greatest ills in our society - misogyny, racism, classism, homophobia, and others. The first step to changing social norms is defying those norms. As mothers, we can defy norms by actually resting when we’re sick, allowing or forcing husbands to take an equal amount of responsibility for their children, allowing husbands to take an equal part in housework, and refusing to be affected by unfair criticism.

You can also ask yourself, “what is the alternative?” when you come across a pang of mom guilt. In an instance where a mother wants to take time to improve her health by starting a gym routine, she may feel guilty about taking time away from her kids. But what’s the alternative? Those children having a mom in poor health? Having a mom whose life could possibly be cut short because she never improved her health? That’s much worse than a mom who goes to the gym 3-4 hours per week.

Or, take a mother who wants to spend time with her friends every month. She might feel guilty for indulging with her friends when she could be doing something with or for her children, but what’s the alternative? A mom who makes her children her whole world, and has no other identity? A mom who will feel totally lost when her children inevitably grow up and move on with their lives. That’s much worse than a mom who has a community outside of her immediate family.

Lastly, imagine a mother who wants her husband to take on more responsibility at home, perhaps half of the household chores. She may feel guilty about it because her husband works full-time… but so does she. And what’s the alternative? An unequal marriage where the wife takes on a disproportionate amount of the work. How would their children perceive that dynamic? Might a daughter internalize that inequality and later on believe that she, too, has to take on a disproportionate amount of work? And how about a son? Would a son watch his father do less than his mother, and believe that he’ll be able to treat his future wife that way? That is all much worse than a wife putting her foot down and making her husband contribute more.

XOXO, Alexis.