Dealing With My Daughter’s Daily Tantrums
As I’m writing this, we are less than a week away from my daughter’s 2nd birthday. Developmentally, however, she is ahead of the curve. I’ve been feeling like we’ve been dealing with the terrible twos since her first birthday. And now we’re at the point where Bebe says “no” to everything and throws herself on the ground every two seconds. I can’t blame her, either - it must be so difficult to ask your mom for something and then receive that thing that you asked for. What a monster that mom would be.
Truthfully, I mostly handle Bebe’s tantrums with a good attitude. It’s completely normal and good for a toddler to have tantrums. However, it is also exhausting at times. Especially when you’re out in public, or you’re trying to rush out the door, or it’s the 50th tantrum of the day. Luckily, I know I am not alone in this - every parent and caregiver has had to navigate the stormy seas of tantrums at some point.
So, what can we do when our children’s emotions spiral out of control? How can we deal with tantrums gently, without enabling bad behavior? After over a year of dealing with tantrums, I’ve figured out what usually works and what usually doesn’t work. Keep in mind, however, that children are unpredictable. What calms your child down one day might not calm them down the next day.
Here’s a list of methods I’ve come up with:
Stay calm yourself. When your child is having a tantrum, the first rule of thumb is to stay calm. Easier said than done, I know. But the crazier your kid gets, the calmer you need to be. Two crazy humans are never a good thing. If you can keep your cool, it’ll help defuse the situation faster. Kids are incredibly perceptive (especially my daughter), and they can pick up on your emotions. If you lose your temper or get frustrated, it can escalate the situation. Here’s the thing: It’s okay to feel frustrated or overwhelmed too. You’re human, and tantrums are tough! But before reacting, take a deep breath. Give yourself a moment to step back and remind yourself that this is a phase, not a reflection of your child’s character. When you respond calmly, your child is more likely to mirror that calmness as well.
Acknowledge their feelings. This might sound counterintuitive—why would you acknowledge the tantrum when it's disruptive? But remember, tantrums happen because your child’s emotions feel like too much for them to handle. Instead of dismissing or minimizing their feelings, try to validate them. I like to say things along the lines of, “I know you want a lollipop and it’s really hard to not get one, but you can have another tomorrow.” I say things like this in my gentlest tone. Bebe doesn’t always calm down when I do this, but it never hurts. Even if your child is too upset to respond, acknowledging their feelings helps them feel heard. This doesn’t mean you give in to every demand, but it does mean showing empathy toward their emotional experience. A child who feels understood is more likely to calm down more quickly than one who feels ignored or dismissed.
Set clear, consistent boundaries. While it’s important to acknowledge your child’s feelings, boundaries are also necessary. If a tantrum is happening because your child isn’t getting something they want, you still need to stick to your limits. In other words, tantrums don’t get rewarded by giving in to their demands. Being consistent with your rules and boundaries is key. If you say no to a cookie before dinner one day, stick to that decision every day. If you give in to a tantrum one time, it may teach your child that tantrums are an effective way to get what they want. This doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible sometimes, but kids thrive on consistency and knowing what to expect. If your child’s behavior is a result of frustration, you can redirect them by offering alternatives or distractions. “I know you want to keep playing, but it’s time to go. How about we play a game in the car instead?” Keeping the focus on what they can do, rather than what they can’t, helps them feel more in control of the situation.
Find a quiet spot for you and your child to calm down. Sometimes, the best way to handle a tantrum is by providing your child with a quiet place to calm down, away from stressors. This could be their room, a corner with their favorite toys, or even just a quiet area in the store (if you’re out in public). You can say something like, “I can see you’re upset. Let’s take a break and calm down for a little while.” Creating this time-out space isn’t a punishment—it’s simply a way to help your child regain control of their emotions. While your child is in their calm-down space, resist the urge to go straight into discipline mode. Having a tantrum does not mean a child is “bad,” they’re a result of overwhelming emotions. So, focus on creating a sense of safety rather than trying to enforce consequences right away.
Distract your child. In some cases, a tantrum can be diverted by distracting your child with something more engaging or appealing. Distraction works especially well in public places, where it can feel like all eyes are on you and your child. Rather than focusing on the tantrum, you can shift your child’s attention to something else. For instance, if you’re at the store and your child is melting down, you might say, “Hey, look at that funny balloon over there!” or “I bet we can find a blue car in the toy aisle.” It’s not about ignoring their feelings, but rather helping them redirect their energy and emotions in a more positive direction.
Teach your child emotional regulation skills. As your child grows, you can help them learn better ways of handling their emotions. Teaching emotional regulation skills at an early age can reduce the frequency and intensity of tantrums. You can start by labeling emotions for your child. For example, “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated right now. Let’s take a deep breath together.” As your child becomes familiar with their own emotions, they’ll be better able to express themselves using words rather than tantrums. You can also introduce calming techniques like deep breathing, counting to ten, or using a favorite stuffed animal or blanket for comfort. Practice these techniques with your child when they’re calm so that they have the tools ready when they’re upset.
Honestly, you should just pick your battles sometimes. Tantrums sometimes happen because your child is testing boundaries or trying to assert their independence. And honestly, it can be tempting to engage in a battle of wills. But picking your battles is key to maintaining a sense of peace in your home. Ask yourself, “Is this worth the fight?” If the issue is minor, like a small snack before dinner or a few extra minutes of screen time, it might be better to let it go. Of course, some boundaries—like safety —must always be enforced. But if you make every little issue a battle, it can create unnecessary stress for both you and your child. Sometimes, saying “yes” to small things can help your child feel like they have some control over their world, which can reduce the frequency of tantrums.
Take a time out when you can. As soon as someone (like your spouse) can step in and take over, let them. Walking away for 20 minutes to recharge can put the whole situation into perspective and leave you feeling much better. Moreover, taking care of your mental health will help you stay patient and present with your child during challenging moments.
Tantrums may never be fun, but they are an inevitable part of childhood. And if you’ve got the right attitude, they’re not always going to feel overwhelming to deal with. They’re an opportunity to help our children learn how to manage their emotions and express themselves in healthier ways. And as difficult as they may be in the moment, remember that tantrums don’t last forever. With time, consistency, and compassion, we can help our children navigate these emotional storms and come out stronger on the other side.
So next time a tantrum strikes, take a deep breath. Stay calm, acknowledge your child’s feelings, and stick to your boundaries. Remember that the toddler stage is easy. Much easier than what we’re going to deal with when our children become teenagers and young adults.
XOXO, Alexis.