My Breastfeeding Journey

I knew very early on that I was going to want to breastfeed my baby, or at least try very hard. I tend to hyper-fixate on things that I want so toward the end of my pregnancy, I watched YouTube video after YouTube video on how to get a baby to latch, how to use a breast pump, how to maximize milk production, etc. As a person with an odd sense of humor, I had told my partner many times that I was planning on “becoming a cow.” I had come across many videos of moms who had freezers full to the brim with their pumped breast milk, so that’s what I was aiming for.

There were a few reasons for this:

First, around the same time that I found out I was pregnant, the baby formula shortage in the United States was ravaging the news. I was so afraid of the idea of not being able to feed my baby, that I wanted to make it impossible for that to happen - which meant that I would have to create milk with my own body and avoid relying on baby formula.

Second, everyone knows that baby formula is crazy expensive. One standard-size can of formula generally ranges between $20-$30 and will only last about 4-5 days, if you’re baby is drinking roughly 24 ounces of formula per day. Less, if they’re drinking more than that.

Third, it is generally accepted that breast milk is better for babies than formula. While I am very much in the “fed is best” camp, I wanted to give my baby the best start in life that I could. I had read and heard repeatedly that breast milk has antibodies that can help prevent your baby from getting sick, and that breastfeeding can help prevent health problems in your baby, such as allergies, eczema, ear infections, and stomach problems.

When Bebe finally arrived, I tried out breastfeeding for the very first time after they wheeled me to the recovery unit. Unsurprisingly, Bebe didn’t latch very well and I wasn’t producing almost any milk; only drops. My partner ended up giving her formula, which I was disappointed about but I was too tired to fuss about it (at that point, I had been awake for more than 24 hours straight).

During the remainder of our stay in the hospital, I had tried pumping several times and was able to speak with multiple lactation consultants. They helped me greatly, but I wasn’t feeling too enthusiastic about nursing when formula feeding was just so easy. Hospitals have ready-to-drink formula bottles for babies that require no effort at all, and it was hard to resist putting an end to my breastfeeding journey right then and there. But, I couldn’t accept giving up nursing after less than a week, so I kept trying every day despite my lack of production and my fatigue.

Something helpful that one of the lactation consultants told me is that newborn babies don’t need very much milk during the first couple of days after they’re born. The first milk that your body makes is called colostrum and it is very nutrient-rich. According to that lactation consultant, even a few drops of colostrum would have sufficed for my baby until my mature milk came in. And regardless, 1-2 day-old newborns barely drink an ounce at a time, even if it’s formula. So, that alleviated my concerns about not producing enough.

After five days in the hospital, Bebe and I were finally discharged to go home. It wasn’t until then that my mature breast milk came in, which caught me by surprise. My breasts had become very lumpy, full, and painful to the touch. Not knowing what this was about, I had assumed that I’d developed mastitis. But my partner (who already had a child from his previous marriage) told me that I needed to pump. So, I pumped as instructed, and voila! I was suddenly able to pump several ounces at a time (usually 4-6 oz between both breasts, unlike when I was in the hospital. Things were finally going as planned.

In the very beginning, the prospect of pumping 6-8 times per day didn’t seem daunting, but I learned very soon that pumping and storing your breast milk is insanely time-consuming. After my mature milk had come in, I tried nursing Bebe directly several times, without much success. I found that it took way longer to breastfeed her than to just pump and bottle-feed her. As a newborn, she would often spend as much as an hour or more breastfeeding. That was when my exclusive pumping era began.

Exclusively pumping worked for me just fine in the beginning because I liked that I was able to see how many ounces I was producing per day (about 32 ounces on my very best day), and I was able to build my milk stash.

This went on for a couple of months until I took a step back and realized how much time I was spending on pumping (~20 min per pump), bottling/storing the milk, washing the pump parts, and then doing the whole process over again. Each day, I was probably spending over 4 hours doing pump-related activities. At that point, I was back at work, so getting ready in the morning felt nearly impossible. My partner and I would wake up at 5:00 a.m. each morning, he would walk our dog, I would pump as soon as I could, and we would wake up Bebe, change her diaper, and feed her. Then I would wash my pump parts and get them ready to take to work. Then we had to take our showers, put our clothes on - the list went on and on. Getting out the door on any given day took at least two hours, often more.

So, when I had the epiphany that exclusively pumping was killing so much of my time (that I could have been spending playing and spending time with my baby), I decided I needed to try directly nursing again. Since she was older at that point, I figured maybe it would be different than when she was a newborn.

It felt a bit daunting at first because direct nursing is less predictable than bottle feeding, and I didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t see how much she was consuming during each feed. But I pressed on because it was going to save me about 30-40 minutes during each scheduled feed, and that meant that I would only need to pump while at work.

Let me tell you, transitioning away from exclusive pumping was a struggle. That’s an understatement - when I started to nurse directly again, it felt nearly impossible. Bebe would only latch sometimes, usually just in the morning. At night, she was so fussy that we would end up giving her a bottle. I remember those frustrating nights when both Bebe and I would be crying - her because she wanted her bottle and me because I felt like there was something wrong with me. Breastfeeding should be natural, I thought. About four months into breastfeeding, I had thought about quitting many times but I couldn’t get myself to do it. If I could just press on, maybe we could get the hang of it and it would become easy.

When Bebe was around 4-5 months old, I had asked one of my best friends about her mom’s breastfeeding journey - she’d had five children and had exclusively breastfed all of them. She had never used a bottle. My friend spoke with her mom about it, and her mom’s advice changed everything. She told me that babies get used to drinking from bottles because they’re easier to get milk out of. She suggested that whenever the baby gets fussy about nursing, just wait a little while instead of giving her a bottle right away. By letting the baby get a little hungrier, she would become less resistant to nursing.

So, I followed her suggestion. I felt a little bit bad about it because I was depriving my baby of something she wanted (her bottle) but I felt that it was for the greater good. And it worked like a charm! Within a couple of weeks, Bebe was latching much more easily, to the point where we didn’t use bottles at home anymore. This cleared up a lot of time for us since we no longer needed to wash bottles and pump parts around the clock. That extra time was a huge relief for my partner and me; suddenly we were able to have a little quality time with each other instead of constantly doing other things.

Over the next 2-3 months as we continued nursing and Bebe got bigger, nursing became a breeze. It got to the point where I just had to lift my shirt and she would do the rest of the work. I was never able to get my milk stash to where it had once been, but that was okay. I felt more bonded with my baby than ever, and I was enjoying the extra time. There was no reason to believe that I couldn’t nurse for a full year or longer.

Then came late June of 2023. Bebe had just hit 7 months old. I had lost my job very suddenly - my boss had told me that she was about $20,000 in the negative and couldn’t afford to keep paying my salary anymore. Among other issues at my job, I had suspected all along that pumping 2-3 times during the workday was a problem for her. My boss never complained about it outright, but I could sense her annoyance with me whenever I was locked in my office pumping instead of being readily available to her. Losing my job was terrible because our household income had suddenly been in slashed in half. I knew that I had to find another job immediately, and (sadly) I didn’t want pumping to be a reason for someone not to hire me.

Within a few days of losing my job, I was able to find a temporary position at a law firm and didn’t mention to them that I needed to pump during the day. I simply pumped during lunch in my car so that they wouldn’t have a reason to not keep me permanently. So, that left me pumping once per day at work instead of 2-3 times. My milk production decreased accordingly, and we started supplementing with formula.

I worked as a temp for about three weeks before finding a permanent full-time position at another law firm. Thankfully, the job paid more and was much more in line with my career goals but the atmosphere was intense and I knew that pumping during the day was going to be difficult to navigate. So, I didn’t mention to them that I needed to pump either. I stopped pumping at work altogether and my milk further decreased. We had to start giving Bebe two bottles of formula per day instead of one. I was still breastfeeding her in the mornings, evenings, and on weekends.

From there, I gradually found peace with weaning down further. Within about 3-4 months, I went from exclusively feeding Bebe with breast milk to exclusively feeding her with formula. Luckily, by the time she was exclusively drinking formula, she was about 10 months old already. So, two months later, we were able to change her from formula to cow’s milk.

What I didn’t know when I decided that I would breastfeed is how emotional of a journey it is. There is something so sweet about being able to nourish your child with your body and I didn’t want to give it up as soon as I did. Had circumstances been a little bit different, I would have continued much longer than 10 months. As I write this, I still have one more 4 oz bag of frozen breast milk in my freezer (breastmilk can safely stay in the freezer for 6-12 months) and I know I’m going to tear up when I finally give it to Bebe.

My message to new moms is this: if you choose to breastfeed, be kind to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you if you struggle with breastfeeding. There is nothing wrong with you if you want to quit early on. If you do quit breastfeeding early on, that’s okay because your baby is going to be fed regardless. They’re going to grow up just fine. If you don’t want to give up, then don’t! Keep at it and eventually, you and your baby will get the hang of things. And if you’re one of the lucky few who can breastfeed easily from the beginning, enjoy it. The time passes so quickly and your little(s) are never going to need you as much as they do right now.

XOXO, Alexis